so very sad

I've been real sad this week.  I think that my heart is starting to really realize that she's really gone, for real!


In thinking about her last days/weeks with us, I started wondering about what she was enduring.  She was such a fighter.  She was so happy as long as you didn't move her or rustle her around.  If you fed her Fruit by the Foots or M&Ms.  If you put on her favorite shows, The Wiggles or Barney (especially the camping tape with the bear that comes out and scares them).  She would go "ahhh" like she was the kids running away from the bear. :)


So in my sadness and curiosity of what Emmy experienced physically.  I started reading about HLH.  What was really happening inside of her sweet little body.  I did read that sometimes HLH can be mistaken for overwhelming sepsis.  I knew it!  I figured that it wasn't true sepsis that weekend before she passed.  


As you know, you just want to take your kids pain and suffering away.  I know that I need to be strong for Kara and Anna, but you just want to go with your child and be with them forever!  I feel like Emmy needed us in some ways more than Kara and Anna do.  I know that's not really true, but it feels that way.  So, right now I'm trying to figure out how to move on without Emmy.  I'm trying to figure out what I do with myself.  Kara and Anna don't need us in the same ways.  I am once again caught in a place where I have to redefine my life and myself.


I hope that I can get the energy and willpower to break through this gloomy wall of doom, but how long will it take me to bust through it?