somethings new

For some time now, I've not been quite sure what to post on Emmy's blog.  I have recently had a revelation.

I have been encouraged by many people over the years to write down my God moments that I've had since Emmy passed.  It's been 3 years, 2 months and 3 weeks since Emmy went to Heaven.  I cannot believe that this much time has passed since I kissed her sweet angel face!

So last Thursday, I was encouraged once again to write down my God moments and how God has been working in my life.  When I am approached with that idea I am immediately overwhelmed by the thought of keeping track of one more thing.  I have been so consumed with Corrigan Care and my sweet girls lives that I just have no time to try to keep track of anything else.  (my human nature not realizing that with God's help I can do this)...

That's when it hit me like a freight train!  My Emmy blog is just patiently waiting for new life.  Be Still and He will guide you...

As I'm writing this, the theme song to our loss of Emmy comes on Pandora, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmVxRl5bc4Y

Funny, how I'm writing about using Emmy's blog to write about God moments and one happens, right there while I'm typing.  Love Him!  If I wasn't so raw and broken down from the last few years, I would've totally missed that or written it off as coincidence.  There are NO coincidences in this life.  Everything and everyone has meaning.  It could be the smallest of occurrences that can change your life and it is for His purpose!

Keep Calm
and
Carry your Cross

Long time no post...

I hate that I haven't posted in a long, long time.  I promise that I'm coming around and will begin sharing more on here.

Corrigan Care is my attempt at a living memorial for my daughter, Emmy.  I want her friends to have the opportunities that I would have strived to provide for Emmy.  You can follow us, donate to us or just check us out online at www.corrigancare.org

Today, I was reading an article that I heard about regarding a treaty that is trying to be passed "under the radar" in this lame duck session.  I never post anything political, but this is directly related to our children with disabilities.  Our children with disabilities will one day be adults with/without disabilities and we need to protect their rights and freedoms so that they can thrive in their communities and one day be productive members of our society!

Read on and don't sit on this.  We need to speak up for everyone with disabilities.  You never know if one day you may have a disability, too.

http://www.thenewamerican.com/usnews/congress/item/13031-sen-lee-thwarts-sneak-attempt-to-pass-un-disability-treaty

Bless you all!
Amy

too long

It's been two years, 4 months, 2 weeks and 2 days since I kissed my sweet daughter's face.  With time it gets easier, but it never goes away.  I think of Emmy every single day.  It hurts every single day.  I actually want it to be this way because I don't want my Emmy to not be a part of my day.  If that makes sense.  I called it a fog.  I have to say that my "fog" is a light, transparent essence that follows me now.  It's starting to disapate (sp?) and I can't wait until it's gone.  I sometimes am scared to think of my life with out my "fog".  It's comforting in a way.  It's protecting me, in a sense, from the reality of what has happened to me.  http://emmysangels.blogspot.com/

Two Long Years - Emmy was born into Heaven!

It's been two long years since I kissed my sweet Emmy's face.

Here's the link to the carepages post that I posted two years ago.  It is hard to read, even for myself.  Kara asked us tonight to talk to her about how Emmy passed away.  We gave her as much detail as we think she can understand.  Fortunately, Kara was with Emmy a lot during her hospitalizations so she knows a lot about what Emmy went through prior to being so very sick.
http://www.carepages.com/carepages/EmilyKathrynCorrigan/updates/2464106

I am just extremely sad today.  There are no words to describe my grief.  I cannot believe that I have survived two years without Emmy.  Two years ago, I thought that I would have to just die with her.  I didn't think that I could go on without her in my life.  I am shocked that I not only have survived, but have started Corrigan Care with the ultimate goal of Emmy's Academy and we just started our Mom's Morning Out for special needs kids last Wednesday.  In all the planning for this MMO, I didn't even think about the fact that it was starting just 4 days from Emmy's 2 year anniversary.  What a blessing from God she is and I am so glad that I was able to have Emmy in my life for those 2.5+ years.

Emmy, I know that God sent you to me to bring me closer to God.  I know that He has a plan for me and my family.  We are working every day to be obedient and to follow His lead.  It is Jesus who has saved us and it is He who will bring us to God!  Praise Jesus!  Please pray for myself and my family as we continue our journey without our beloved Emmy.  She was everything to us and still is.  We talk about and remember Emmy EVERY SINGLE DAY!

I will end my thoughts tonight with this Psalm.  It is so fitting for my life and my families journey.  No matter what you do, focus on God and you will be just fine!

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

1The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

2He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

3he restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness

for his name’s sake.

4Even though I walk

through the valley of the shadow of death,^a

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

5You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

6Surely goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord

forever.

Pray for Emmy's friend, Arden

I am writing this post today with sadness.  A dear friend in my Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) group, who comforted me at the hospital when I had no one else to talk to about this machine keeping Emmy alive, is now going back in the fighting ring with her daughter, Arden.  Arden is four years old.  Emmy would be four years old this Monday.

On Thursday, April 21st, Arden will be undergoing an open heart surgery that will complete(or start to complete) the reformation of her heart to work as a whole heart does.  Arden was born with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, basically, half of a heart.  Please pray endlessly over then next few months to cover this family and most importantly Arden with love and prayers that God will watch over her physicians and give them the knowledge and precision that He has!  Pray that this family can handle the separation during this time since they live in Atlanta and the surgery and recovery will be in LA.

Please follow their caring bridge site as they embark on this journey!
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/ardengergen/mystory

Thank you to Emmy's prayer warriors for praying for this child and family.
Bless you all during this Holy week and as you all celebrate Easter!
Amy

His Light

I have to first thank Hillary from the Johnson Ferry bible study for sharing this with us today over email.  It comes at a most perfect time.  Tonight, as I was driving home from a LENGTHY, but great Corrigan Care board meeting, I was thinking about something...


My thoughts were about how I have been praying to God to lead me where His will is supposed to take me.  I keep telling Him that I want His will to be done through me.  Wednesday's MOPS meeting was also inspiring me, again, because the speakers told of stories similar to those that I've talked about here on this blog that have happened to me since Emmy passed.  These stories were about "normal" people having extremely special (some would say, coincidental) happenings in their lives.  I know that these things are God's hand in our lives.  It is not by chance that a letter gets to a man in prison written by a 7 year old girl named Alyssa that states that he is a good dad.  It is no coincidence that his daughter that passed away was 7 and named Alyssa.  It's no coincidence.


On my way home tonight, I was thinking about all that I've accomplished since May 21, 2010 when I incorporated Corrigan Care.  It's not even been a year, but I am so close to finishing my business plan (enough to submit it to my attorney) and for us to submit our 501c3 IRS application, having had a fundraising event back in August 2010 that raised (after expenses) around $4,000.  It made me think about my college years and how I struggled so much in my management class and look at me now.  I, now, really believe that I can accomplish ANYTHING if I trust in Him for guidance.  This leads me to the poem that Hillary sent me today.  


You have to allow yourself to relinquish control of your life's outcome to Him.  It's not something that you learn.  You just need to pray about it and stop trying to control so many things in your life.  As you start to step back from the helm, you will slowly start to see where he is steering you and you will start to see where he provides for you.  Just think, when life comes at you with hard times or medical problems, etc Do you really have the ultimate say in what happens, we all know that the answer is no.  Let's live our lives for Him and glorify Him.  He's our Father and let's make Him proud!


Just Enough Light (from Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On)

by Stormie Omartian

Sometimes only the step I'm on,

or the very next one ahead,

is all that is illuminated for me.

God gives just the amount of light I need

for the exact moment I need it.

At those times I walk in surrender to faith,

unable to see the future

and not fully comprehending the past.

And because it is God who has given me 

what light I have,

I know I must reject the fear and 

doubt that threaten to overtake me.

I must determine to be content where

I am, and allow God to get me where I 

need to go.

I walk forward,

one step at a time,

fully trusting that

the light God sheds

is absolutely sufficient.

Am I seeing things?

I feel like I'm just going about my business, but someone is trying to get my attention.

Tonight, I was beginning my search for inspiring material for Corrigan Care and the DSAA, etc.  I like to post these things on Facebook and Twitter.  Well, the first article I found will be posted on the DSAA fb page in the morning.

This article is posted on a BeliefNet page (maybe God is telling me something) by a lady named Amy Becker (my maiden name). It talks about loving a child with Down Syndrome (for me, EMMY!) and the girl's name in the article is Chloe. My little Emmy's most favorite doll in the world was named Chloe.
http://blog.beliefnet.com/thinplaces/2011/01/perfectly-human-my-upward-down-syndrome-journey-by-kurt-kondrich.html

So I cry a little about this because it's just so strange that it's so closely tied to me, personally.  Then after I get through that I stumble across this blog.  It's not nearly as touching as the first, but it's reaching out to me, really!

http://theflegefarm.blogspot.com/2011/01/as-long-as-i-have-down-syndrome.html

This one, again, is about Down Syndrome.  I was actually searching for the DSAA's facebook page so not a shocker.  However, as I hovered over the words of the last paragraph (because it didn't really make sense to me).  It struck me.  Molly's younger sister's name was Emily.  Molly wanted to be Emily as a baby child if she had to be one.  Molly is acting exactly the way Kara does.  She always wants to be like Emmy (formal name is Emily).  I am just losing it.  I want to cry all night long.  I wish we were able to know who sends these signs to us.  I wish we were able to know why and for what reason.  Does she miss us?  Does she want to let us know that she loves us?  that she's ok?

If I could send her a message, I would tell her that I am working hard to help other children with Down Syndrome and all other disabilities.  Last night I was at a Gigi's Playhouse Gala meeting.  Tonight, I had an extremely porductive Corrigan Care meeting.  I am so excited about what is going on.  Maybe Emmy is sending me a little touch of love to encourage me to continue on and to be happy about that.

I don't know.  We're just such a mess without Emmy.  We're finally starting to pick up the pieces and try to at least act like we're having a normal day.  I'm still struggling to stay on top of things.  It's not the amount of things that I'm doing, it's that my mind has been in a fog.  I think this week it's partly cloudy in my head.  I'm getting some things accomplished, but with great effort that it's taking.

I love you all that read this blog.  I'm glad that I have an outlet to tell someone, anyone, that reads how I feel.  I don't always feel like explaining these things, but it's nice to be able to fully express when I am ready.

Blast from the Past

In cleaning out/repurposing my downstairs room...  I came across my old cassette tapes!  Awesome!  I actually have a little boombox that has a tape player still.  Funny how I now listen to music on my phone.  Weird. :)  I uncovered an old portable CD player.  I thought about bringing it to the gym to see how many people stared or commented while I switched disks.  Maybe it will be better to bring the cassette player instead.  HA!

Here's my cassette tape collection:
Def Leppard
Counting Crows (2)
Public Enemy - single
Real McCoy - single
Corona - single
Aerosmith
Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock
The Middlemen - friend's band
95 South - single
John Mellenkamp - single
Edie Brickell - single
Green Day
Slow Songs mix tape 1 & 2 (my creation)
Toad & The Wet Sprocket
Club Mix '98 tape 1 & 2
Black Crowes
Reality Bites
Candlebox
Arrested Development - single
Sheryl Crow - single
2 Live Crew
Various Mix Tapes (my creations)
REM
Salt & Pepa
Jeff Foxworthy
Tom Petty - single
Collective Soul - single
Simon & Garfunkel
Chicago & slow songs
Foreigner


Wow!  What a strange selection of music. :)  I think I'm going to have to gift my Aiwa cassette tape player (portable) to my friend Robert for his birthday.  He'll be so excited since he's probably still listening to records.  If you knew Robert you would know that we constantly make fun with him about his film camera.  We even bought him a digital camera that he's never opened yet.

Post your favorite cassette tapes that you used to rock out to!

One Year Later

We are forever changed!

I plan to post more once Christmas break hits.  I have lots of pics & stories that I want to post.  Anyway, Saturday was one year since Emmy passed.  There have been some special angels that have been doing some WONDERFUL and THOUGHTFUL things for our family.  I will post with more details of those things soon.  I cannot express my gratitude for the special people in my life.  They did not let me go through this weekend without letting me know that they remember!  They remember Emmy.  They remember that she passed away.  They remember how sweet, fun, outgoing, smart, cute, loving, social, determined and LOVED she was.  It all means so much to my WHOLE family.  I praise God for giving these people to me so I CAN get through this.  It still feels like yesterday when she passed.

A quick story:
I was at Johnson Ferry Baptist Church's "A Relevant Christmas" brunch about a week or so ago.  It was a brunch on a Friday morning.  I initially didn't email to secure a free ticket, through my bible study, since I've not been attending regularly.  I wanted the others that come every week to go.  However, when it got closer to the date, I told them I'd like to be put on the waiting list, in case someone cancels.  Someone cancelled at the last minute and I was able to go.  Praise God!  Thank you, Lord!

So, as we were all being lifted up in prayer, song and sermon, there were many times when I cried.  I cried because of the loss of Emmy, the loss of my father, etc, etc, etc.  The sweet lady next to me, Amy :), lent me a tissue.  I just wept into that tissue because it smelled like Emmy did the last week of her life.  I don't know if it's a particular lotion or what, but I LOVE that smell.  It's a sweet smell.  I don't know why her tissues smell like that because I think it was the Victoria's Secret sample lotion that I was using way back then.  I thought of telling her, but then thought that she would think I was a freak.  I told her anyways.  She let me have the pack.  I could just smell these all day!  I know I'm weird, but there's something about a smell or even a song that brings you back to a time that stands still in your mind.  As sick and "hooked up" Emmy was that last week, I wish I could go back into her ECMO, PICU hopsital room in the back corner of CHOA Egleston's 3rd floor (??).  I would walk through the maze of machines, tubes, IV poles, nurse chairs, nurse computers, trash cans, supply cabinets, and her bed which had 4-5 mattresses stacked on top of each other to help her blood pressure remain stable on the ECMO machine.  There was a tiny spot on the back of the room that you could sit (sat 2 ppl), there was a phone, but not much floor space to bring anything in.  It was by the window, which was COLD to sit by.  If you used the restroom in her room, there was an enormous trash can for all the blood product and other supplies stored in the shower.

I hated that room, but now I wish I were still there.  I wish I were there to step up on that step stool to get me waist high to her bed to hold her super swollen hand.  I wish I was standing by her on the other side where I could stroke her hair and touch her face without moving tubes and wires.  I wish we were still fighting for the right diagnosis and treatment.  I wish that we could do the Wigggles dances in/near her bed.  I wish that Kara and Anna could play with Emmy in a pack and play together and pretend to have tea (Rehab stay).  I wish that Anna would know Emmy, for real.  I wish Kara had her best friend back.  I wish that Jeff and I had our sweet baby girl in our arms.

I miss Emmy.  I wish I could go back and hold her lifeless, angelic, defeated body and kiss her forehead again.  At least then, I knew that she was at peace and she was in a better place.  It's hard to remind my heart and mind of that because we are not "supposed" to think of how they are after they have passed.  I knew then that she had to go on and be with God, but as time has passed I forget about that and I have to remind myself that her body was a mess and too far gone to stay here with us.

I would relive her life over and over and over again, even knowing the outcome.  I love her so much!  I pray that God will give me more angels in my life like her!

I praise God for leading me through the last year.  I look forward to where He will be taking me in the coming year.

Praise God and Happy Birthday, Jesus!
Amy

Blogworthy...

I was posting the following message on Facebook and realized that this needs to be truly shared with all of Emmy's Angels and prayer warriors...


Ok, I know that I'm always posting and quoting about kellehampton.com, but again... she says everything so well!
" You fight, without even knowing it. You rise to the occasion. You jump in, save them, wipe tears, call doctors, hold compresses, pull yourself together and you fight like hell."


I hate thinking back about what I was living through one year ago, but here we go.  I've copied a link to Emmy's carepage post from when she went septic.
http://www.carepages.com/carepages/EmilyKathrynCorrigan/updates/2456099

To think that we were walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death.  It is a lonely, desolate place.  You don't ever want to go there.  When God delivers you through to the other end, you will be forever changed.  You will never fully recover.


We are all still adjusting to not having Emmy with us.  It's been a truly sad year.  We are all changed so severely.  We are almost done with the firsts.  That will be a relief, but also horrific to think that she's been gone a whole year.  My baby of 2.5 years old has been gone for 1 year.  It will officially be one year on December 11th.  


I've found that I just don't want to do anything anymore.  I'm making myself and it's hard, but really I just don't care.  Things in life just don't have importance as it used to seem to have.  I thought that after Emmy was born, but now it's even more so.  Life is short and it shows no mercy on anyone.  I guess that's comforting to know that there's no one on this Earth that will live forever.


I am so thankful for all of my family, friends, church family and countless acquaintances, strangers, etc. who have enveloped us and helped us through this tough time in our lives.  In the midst of Emmy's battles in 2009, Anna was an infant, and Jeff lost his job.  Despite what seems like hardships and despair, it was all a blessing!  Jeff losing his job was a blessing to help with Anna when she was first born. For Jeff to help with the kids while Emmy was in the hospital so much.  It allowed Jeff to get to know his newest baby, but also spend Emmy's last year with her.  Jeff didn't have to have the stress of being a work while he just wanted to be with his family.


I think I'm rambling now, but I will close with this.  I have now become the crazy lady that cries at the Magic House when her kids are playing at the water tables.  I am the freak that is crying at the Kangaroo exhibit at the Zoo.  I'm the looney that is crying while driving listening to any song that comes on the radio that speaks of hardship.  I'm just that emotional lately.  Those of you that think I'm strong. I am in disbelief. :)


This is my theme song right now and yes, it does make me cry a lot (while driving!). :)
Cry to Jesus by Third Day

new clothes and new firsts

This week, I have had to pull out Emmy's clothes.  The sweet clothes that Emmy wore last year.  Who would've thought that in less than one year I would not have her in my arms.  As sick as she was, we were going to figure her out and get her better.  I never thought that my infant daughter would be wearing Emmy's clothes and sleeping in her room not even a year later.  I picked out every detail of that room for Emmy, not for Anna.  I feel a little lost with her in that room, but in time I know that we will make it Anna's and it will have her own personal touches to it.  At least Anna is not sleeping in Emmy's bed yet, she's still in a crib.  I will have to find some pictures of Emmy and Anna together and frame them up for Anna's room.

Taking the clothes out of the bin was hard.  I remembered Emmy in each of those outfits.  One of the outfits on the top of the bin was her cute tutu outfit from a photo shoot she did in October, one of the few days she was home that month.  I went all out :) and bought an outfit (not on sale) at Gymboree, with hair accessories and even a bracelet.  She loved that bracelet.  She thought she was such a big girl with it on.  She loved accessories and purses.  She was so girly, more so than Kara.  I will have to pick a cute picture of Anna and Emmy and frame it up for Anna's room.  :)

So...  another first...
Anna Grace (our baby) is in preschool!
Anna Grace has the same teacher and is in the same room as Emmy was in last year.  It's so sad to think that we never even finished the year with Emmy.  We don't get to see Emmy move to the next "grade".  This fall will be so very hard for us.  So many memories.  It's not been too bad so far, but maybe it's because I feel so at home at the preschool.

... and another...

I should also say that Kara is our big girl and she is in Kindergarten!  She loves it!  She tells me all the time that we picked the right school for her.  I asked her the other day when I picked her up what her favorite part of the day was and she says:  "I told you...  I love every part!". :)  She is learning her bible verses, site words, and starting to read.  She is learning so much and she's not even been in school for a whole month yet.  I love Mt Bethel Christian Academy!  Thank you Mrs. Meara and Mrs. Zabor for embracing us and teaching Kara so much!

Kara's going into Kindergarten & Emmy's missed so very much!

up late looking at pictures...  reflecting on Kara going into Kindergarten and sending pics to school for her.  I found these Easter pictures that I haven't looked at in a while.  Emmy was such a big girl and loved her sisters so very much!  Emmy was so much fun!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/corriganfamily/sets/72157617207182004/


Kara's Meet N Greet with her Kindergarten Teachers!
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=64625&id=1016407719&l=be7bc8d72f


Kara's Night Before Kindergarten:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=64626&id=1016407719&l=067b106c21

On days like these...

I find it so hard to smile.  I miss Emmy so much.  I've been so sad because I thought that I gave Jeff the Portrait Innovations CD with Emmy's 2 yr portraits.  Jeff said that he copied it onto our hard drive and threw away the disk.  I was so sad because that meant that I couldn't take the disk in to get the high resolution digital images that I want from them.  They told me I could get some if I could bring the disk in.

Tonight, God led me to dilly dally...  I was putting together iron on letters for Kara's Art Smock for school.  I remembered that I had more of the same letters from when I was going to iron on letters to their Thomas train caps.  As I finally searched in the right pile of CRAP, I found not only the letters, but the Emmy CD!

Praise God!  Looking through these pics just make me miss her so badly!

Corrigan Care's Inaugural Fundraiser

Get excited!  Our first fundraiser is approaching!

buy tickets online or donate!
www.corrigancare.com

Thank you all for your support!
Amy

PS:  Thank the Lord for providing all of this for our special children!  It's all been given to us with His grace.

Fundraising Efforts underway for Corrigan Care!

Donate $5! Then, have your friends donate $5. Get your name on the list of donors on our website! Watch the mercury rise for children with Special Needs!

http://www.corrigancare.com/

Happy Bday to me and Kara!

Happy Birthday to Kara (&me)!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/corriganfamily/sets/556307/

Family and friends,

 At 12:31pm on Monday, July 4, 2005, Amy and I were blessed with a

 beautiful 6 pounds, 1.2 ounce, 19.25" long baby girl.

 Amy's water broke at 2:15am.  Amy found her water breaking to be much

 less traumatic than finding a cricket in the bathroom three weeks

 before.  When she saw the cricket, she started screaming "It's Coming!,

 It's Coming!, It's Coming!"  I was in a sound sleep and thought that

 meant the baby was coming, but apparently it just meant kill the damn

 cricket.

 We were on the road headed to Northside Hospital by 2:40 in the morning

 and would have arrived at the hospital sooner, but we were pulled over

 by a Cobb County police officer.  He was a very nice officer and

 offered to provide a police escort, but instead I think he should focus

 on learning what constitutes probable cause for a traffic stop since I

 was not speeding, swerving, or running red lights like I normally would

 be doing at 2:40 in the morning.

 We named her Kara Marie Corrigan (Amy picked Kara and Marie, while I

 was allowed to pick Corrigan, but only after agreeing to a long list of

 Amy's terms and conditions).

 Both Kara and her mom are July 4th babies.  Kara's due date was

 supposed to be August 3rd, but Kara and her mother conspired to ruin my

 fourth of July trips to Destin with my college friends.

 obligatory Beach Lounge Hounds shoutout here>

 Amy and I hope to have a houseful of children, but if baby #2

 interferes with going skiing in Salt Lake City, baby #3 prevents going

 to the lake, and babies #4 and up make me fold a winning hand at poker

 night to head to the hospital then I will know that Amy and my children

 are truly teaming up against me.

 I am very fortunate that I did not go to Destin this year, as I would

 now just be paying child support as opposed to helping care for my

 first born.

 But in all honesty, if the price for having such a precious gift is

 giving up a couple of days out of town, then I will pay that price

 every day of my life.  Besides, there is plenty of beer locally.

 I had more fortitude than I thought I did.  I was there in the delivery

 room and held Amy's right leg and helped coach her.  I also managed to

 remain conscious to cut the umbilical cord.

 Kara, Amy, and I (see, I already know where I fit in the pecking order

 now) will be heading home from the hospital Wednesday morning.

 Best regards,

 Jeff

Oh Emmy!

My sweet Emmy.  I look at this blog all the time and I'm so jealous of Kelle that she has a sweet angel that looks so much like Emmy did when she was a baby.  I still find myself wondering how Emmy is not with us anymore.  How did this all happen?  Is this for real?

It's been 6 months and 1 week.  OMG!  I just want to wake up from this horrible nightmare and have Emmy snuggled up next to me like she was after Jeff would leave for work.  Kara & Emmy would be sleeping snuggled up to me or eating cheerios watching a cartoon.  I want that back!!!!!!  I just want my life back as I knew it.

Today, we went to Whitewater again.  This time with Jeff's cousin and her brand new hubby.  We hung out in the Wiggles Water World again.  I love that place and I just might go there to listen to Emmy's music and have a reason to enjoy it and dance to it again.  We're not big TV watchers, but Emmy had so much pain that we would sit her in front of The Wiggles or Barney so she wasn't so bored when we were home.  I could do that for Kara and Anna, but it's not good for them to just watch TV all the time.

On that note, I should just make a Wiggles World in my back yard. We have a nice playground that could be converted. :)  Hmmmm...

Wonderful skies

I've been enjoying the beautiful sky the last couple of days (such blue and the clouds so fluffy looking) and it's got me thinking... that God is the sun giving light, life, warmth and happiness to us all.  At night, God's light shines on us via the Moon.  It's nice to know that he is always with us.


I know, that not too far from God is Emmy and my Dad & grandparents and all the other people that I love that I just haven't met before since they passed before I could meet them.  I know that they are living in Heaven now and because I don't understand what Heaven is, what it looks like or where it is exactly.  It doesn't mean that it's not a true place.  Look at what we are finding in outerspace.  Maybe we see the other solar systems as planets and stars, but maybe they are heavenly cities where we will go to live one day.


I figured since I was up so late I'd post.  Maybe I'm thinking ever so clearly or I'm super tired. :)  HA!


Amy

Sad Saturday

I had a super sad Saturday.

I started the day meeting with the other coach for Kara's fall cheerleading.  I was talking to her about last season to fill her in on how Impact Cheer works, practices, etc, etc.  I told her about Emmy and all of that Jazz.  I know that it upset her to hear about Emmy's passing.  It's so hard for people to hear about a child dying.  I say that only cause I see such hurt in everyone's eyes.  Believe me, the pain pales in comparison to what you think it feels like.

So, I go home and Kara is all excited about going to Whitewater.  I'm excited, too.  I feel like total crap because of this severe head cold I have, but I wanted to be there for her very first time to Whitewater.  We took Anna with us, too.  We had a great time!  It was hot, but the water was COLD!  Brrr!  Before we went home, we went over to the kids area and they have a brand new section called Wiggles Water World.  The moment I set my eyes on the place, I started to cry.  THIS IS FOR EMMY!!!!!!  WHY WAS SHE TAKEN FROM US!!!!!  Emmy should be here to enjoy this!  If we could've taken Emmy to this Wiggles Water World, it would be like taking Kara to Disney World to see the princesses.  Henry the Octopus was there, the SS Feathersword, the little car, they played all their music the whole time.  Emmy new every song and dance by heart.  She would do the arm movements and everything.  As much as it hurt to be there without her smiling, dancing little self, I loved every moment in there.  I was out in public, enjoying the Wiggles and remembering Emmy!  I don't care if I had tears.  It was better than crying at the Kangaroo exhibit at the Zoo like I did a few weeks back.  That doesn't make any bit of sense to a stranger.

Kara and Anna had so much fun.  We were going to get a season pass last year.  I'm glad we didn't cause Emmy was way too sick to take her to a water park.  I would've taken her if they would've had the Wiggles section though.  Why couldn't they have had that last year!  Why this year?  Are they even popular anymore? weird!

Afterward, I take Kara and Anna to Grandma & Grandpa's house for the night.  I told my Father-in-Law that I signed the paperwork to incorporate Corrigan Care, it will be a Special Needs Childcare center devoted to affordable, one-on-one developmental care.  Anyways, while we were talking about it I saw the sadness in my FIL's face and it just touched my heart to see some of his pain because I feel it so much each day.  I was so sad on the way home thinking about how much our whole family still misses her so very much and will for the rest of our lives.  How are we going to carry this pain for the rest of our lives?

Jeff and I attended our neighbor's 40th bday party.

At the party, my neighbor's friend told me that she thinks about us all the time.  She thinks about Emmy's passing and how much we have to cherish what we have.  She said that she was at a store that day and the lady in front of her was complaining about how slow the line was, etc, etc, etc...  she told the lady that if that was all she had going wrong that day, then she should consider herself blessed.  That made me happy that she has been so touched by Emmy that she would impact another person by bringing some perspective into their lives.  Just like the What Would You Do? series on 20/20, would you think it or would you actually say it???

Later, We drove our neighbors home and as we were walking through their garage to bring the gifts inside.  I see the program from Emmy's service hanging up in the "man cave"/garage. :)  I told my neighbor that it's so nice to see her picture up.  He proceeded to touch my heart!  He told me that after our talk a few weeks back... about how I was glad that I hadn't spent time on certain things.  (I spent time on taking the kids to playdates/fun things, or preserving memories because now I have things to hang up and remind me of Emmy.  I had things for others to see at her service, to learn more about her life and how wonderful she was.)  He said that he hung up her picture to remind him every day to slow down and enjoy what really matters.  He wants to stop being hard on himself about all these things that he wants to be getting done.  I'm SO HAPPY!!!  I LOVE IT!!!!!!

So, when I got home I cried!  A LOT!  I was so touched by the separate accounts/interactions that I had all day that made it very known to me that everyone is still missing Emmy, learning from Emmy, thinking and crying about Emmy.

Losing Emmy has been like taking something that you have known your whole life and having it disappear like it was never even there.  Like Jeff said at her GA service, we have a huge hole in our hearts, a hole big enough to drive a truck through (as a country song would sing).  I am starting to realize that the hole will never get smaller.  I will have to decorate the entrance to this abyss.  I will have to disguise it!  Otherwise, I will end up getting trapped in the abyss and being lost forever without her.

By disguising it, it may lessen the pain on the outside and only when I let my self take a stroll in the abyss will I endure the full strikes of pain through my heart.

It's been 5.5 months since Emmy went to Heaven.  I'm a zombie, but I am following the cues from God to do what he wants me to do with myself.  He has placed so many things in my "lap" that I have had to acknowledge them and welcome them because only by Grace have they been made available to me.  Thank you Lord for all that you give to me each day!

Perfect finish to my evening...

I attended a meeting tonight.  There was so much joy about what we are going to do here in Atlanta for our children with Down Syndrome.  There was some hidden worries and to those worries, this quote sums it up beautifully.


Taken from the most beautiful blog that I've ever read, http://www.kellehampton.com/


"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."
-Dawna Markova (thanks again, KC)