Sad Saturday

I had a super sad Saturday.

I started the day meeting with the other coach for Kara's fall cheerleading.  I was talking to her about last season to fill her in on how Impact Cheer works, practices, etc, etc.  I told her about Emmy and all of that Jazz.  I know that it upset her to hear about Emmy's passing.  It's so hard for people to hear about a child dying.  I say that only cause I see such hurt in everyone's eyes.  Believe me, the pain pales in comparison to what you think it feels like.

So, I go home and Kara is all excited about going to Whitewater.  I'm excited, too.  I feel like total crap because of this severe head cold I have, but I wanted to be there for her very first time to Whitewater.  We took Anna with us, too.  We had a great time!  It was hot, but the water was COLD!  Brrr!  Before we went home, we went over to the kids area and they have a brand new section called Wiggles Water World.  The moment I set my eyes on the place, I started to cry.  THIS IS FOR EMMY!!!!!!  WHY WAS SHE TAKEN FROM US!!!!!  Emmy should be here to enjoy this!  If we could've taken Emmy to this Wiggles Water World, it would be like taking Kara to Disney World to see the princesses.  Henry the Octopus was there, the SS Feathersword, the little car, they played all their music the whole time.  Emmy new every song and dance by heart.  She would do the arm movements and everything.  As much as it hurt to be there without her smiling, dancing little self, I loved every moment in there.  I was out in public, enjoying the Wiggles and remembering Emmy!  I don't care if I had tears.  It was better than crying at the Kangaroo exhibit at the Zoo like I did a few weeks back.  That doesn't make any bit of sense to a stranger.

Kara and Anna had so much fun.  We were going to get a season pass last year.  I'm glad we didn't cause Emmy was way too sick to take her to a water park.  I would've taken her if they would've had the Wiggles section though.  Why couldn't they have had that last year!  Why this year?  Are they even popular anymore? weird!

Afterward, I take Kara and Anna to Grandma & Grandpa's house for the night.  I told my Father-in-Law that I signed the paperwork to incorporate Corrigan Care, it will be a Special Needs Childcare center devoted to affordable, one-on-one developmental care.  Anyways, while we were talking about it I saw the sadness in my FIL's face and it just touched my heart to see some of his pain because I feel it so much each day.  I was so sad on the way home thinking about how much our whole family still misses her so very much and will for the rest of our lives.  How are we going to carry this pain for the rest of our lives?

Jeff and I attended our neighbor's 40th bday party.

At the party, my neighbor's friend told me that she thinks about us all the time.  She thinks about Emmy's passing and how much we have to cherish what we have.  She said that she was at a store that day and the lady in front of her was complaining about how slow the line was, etc, etc, etc...  she told the lady that if that was all she had going wrong that day, then she should consider herself blessed.  That made me happy that she has been so touched by Emmy that she would impact another person by bringing some perspective into their lives.  Just like the What Would You Do? series on 20/20, would you think it or would you actually say it???

Later, We drove our neighbors home and as we were walking through their garage to bring the gifts inside.  I see the program from Emmy's service hanging up in the "man cave"/garage. :)  I told my neighbor that it's so nice to see her picture up.  He proceeded to touch my heart!  He told me that after our talk a few weeks back... about how I was glad that I hadn't spent time on certain things.  (I spent time on taking the kids to playdates/fun things, or preserving memories because now I have things to hang up and remind me of Emmy.  I had things for others to see at her service, to learn more about her life and how wonderful she was.)  He said that he hung up her picture to remind him every day to slow down and enjoy what really matters.  He wants to stop being hard on himself about all these things that he wants to be getting done.  I'm SO HAPPY!!!  I LOVE IT!!!!!!

So, when I got home I cried!  A LOT!  I was so touched by the separate accounts/interactions that I had all day that made it very known to me that everyone is still missing Emmy, learning from Emmy, thinking and crying about Emmy.

Losing Emmy has been like taking something that you have known your whole life and having it disappear like it was never even there.  Like Jeff said at her GA service, we have a huge hole in our hearts, a hole big enough to drive a truck through (as a country song would sing).  I am starting to realize that the hole will never get smaller.  I will have to decorate the entrance to this abyss.  I will have to disguise it!  Otherwise, I will end up getting trapped in the abyss and being lost forever without her.

By disguising it, it may lessen the pain on the outside and only when I let my self take a stroll in the abyss will I endure the full strikes of pain through my heart.

It's been 5.5 months since Emmy went to Heaven.  I'm a zombie, but I am following the cues from God to do what he wants me to do with myself.  He has placed so many things in my "lap" that I have had to acknowledge them and welcome them because only by Grace have they been made available to me.  Thank you Lord for all that you give to me each day!