One Year Later

We are forever changed!

I plan to post more once Christmas break hits.  I have lots of pics & stories that I want to post.  Anyway, Saturday was one year since Emmy passed.  There have been some special angels that have been doing some WONDERFUL and THOUGHTFUL things for our family.  I will post with more details of those things soon.  I cannot express my gratitude for the special people in my life.  They did not let me go through this weekend without letting me know that they remember!  They remember Emmy.  They remember that she passed away.  They remember how sweet, fun, outgoing, smart, cute, loving, social, determined and LOVED she was.  It all means so much to my WHOLE family.  I praise God for giving these people to me so I CAN get through this.  It still feels like yesterday when she passed.

A quick story:
I was at Johnson Ferry Baptist Church's "A Relevant Christmas" brunch about a week or so ago.  It was a brunch on a Friday morning.  I initially didn't email to secure a free ticket, through my bible study, since I've not been attending regularly.  I wanted the others that come every week to go.  However, when it got closer to the date, I told them I'd like to be put on the waiting list, in case someone cancels.  Someone cancelled at the last minute and I was able to go.  Praise God!  Thank you, Lord!

So, as we were all being lifted up in prayer, song and sermon, there were many times when I cried.  I cried because of the loss of Emmy, the loss of my father, etc, etc, etc.  The sweet lady next to me, Amy :), lent me a tissue.  I just wept into that tissue because it smelled like Emmy did the last week of her life.  I don't know if it's a particular lotion or what, but I LOVE that smell.  It's a sweet smell.  I don't know why her tissues smell like that because I think it was the Victoria's Secret sample lotion that I was using way back then.  I thought of telling her, but then thought that she would think I was a freak.  I told her anyways.  She let me have the pack.  I could just smell these all day!  I know I'm weird, but there's something about a smell or even a song that brings you back to a time that stands still in your mind.  As sick and "hooked up" Emmy was that last week, I wish I could go back into her ECMO, PICU hopsital room in the back corner of CHOA Egleston's 3rd floor (??).  I would walk through the maze of machines, tubes, IV poles, nurse chairs, nurse computers, trash cans, supply cabinets, and her bed which had 4-5 mattresses stacked on top of each other to help her blood pressure remain stable on the ECMO machine.  There was a tiny spot on the back of the room that you could sit (sat 2 ppl), there was a phone, but not much floor space to bring anything in.  It was by the window, which was COLD to sit by.  If you used the restroom in her room, there was an enormous trash can for all the blood product and other supplies stored in the shower.

I hated that room, but now I wish I were still there.  I wish I were there to step up on that step stool to get me waist high to her bed to hold her super swollen hand.  I wish I was standing by her on the other side where I could stroke her hair and touch her face without moving tubes and wires.  I wish we were still fighting for the right diagnosis and treatment.  I wish that we could do the Wigggles dances in/near her bed.  I wish that Kara and Anna could play with Emmy in a pack and play together and pretend to have tea (Rehab stay).  I wish that Anna would know Emmy, for real.  I wish Kara had her best friend back.  I wish that Jeff and I had our sweet baby girl in our arms.

I miss Emmy.  I wish I could go back and hold her lifeless, angelic, defeated body and kiss her forehead again.  At least then, I knew that she was at peace and she was in a better place.  It's hard to remind my heart and mind of that because we are not "supposed" to think of how they are after they have passed.  I knew then that she had to go on and be with God, but as time has passed I forget about that and I have to remind myself that her body was a mess and too far gone to stay here with us.

I would relive her life over and over and over again, even knowing the outcome.  I love her so much!  I pray that God will give me more angels in my life like her!

I praise God for leading me through the last year.  I look forward to where He will be taking me in the coming year.

Praise God and Happy Birthday, Jesus!
Amy