Missing Emmy - our broken hearts.

I was writing a message to a good friend of mine in the Down Syndrome group that has also lost a child.  I thought that I would share some of the content of the email with you all.  It's just a little update on our grieving process.


Tonight, we received a package that brought Kara and I to tears.  This lady's child (Calla Kennedy) has a brain tumor and they had put a thread of hope type of thingy on Emmy's door (and all hospital rooms) on 11/1/09 at Scottish Rite.  They do it every year.  I wrote her an email after I read her daughter's carepage.  I had to tell her about my niece who has a brain tumor and about Emmy's story and how we appreciated the threads of hope.

Anyway, her mother (Calla's grandmother) made a ceramic heart that has a hole in it, mended by wire.  It is just so sweet and special.  It has Emmy's name on it, the years that she lived (2007-2009).  It has a Psalm verse on it and it says that she'll be in our hearts forever.

It got Kara and I talking and crying about Emmy and how much we miss her.  Kara asked if we could go see Emmy's grave.  She's been asking to go see Emmy's grave and headstone for weeks.  She knows about that stuff because my Dad passed away before Kara was born and every time that we leave my hometown in IL we stop by and take flowers.  I told her that some people bury their loved ones bodies and some people cremate them.  I told her that we cremated Emmy because we want her here with us, in our house.  So, this way, if we ever move she will come with us.  She's always been one to understand and grasp adult concepts.  For real.  I told her that we would never do anything to Emmy or anyone else to cause them harm and it was ok that we chose this method of burial.  She's been asking about the hearses at Mt Bethel since there have been some funeral services at the church in the last couple of weeks.  I kept telling her that those people were now up in Heaven with Emmy.  I would tell her, before she could respond, that I bet they are playing ring around the rosie with Emmy. :)  That usually would keep Kara in good spirits.  She's doing great, but tonight, I think she let out some emotion about how she misses Emmy so very much.  She said that if Emmy came back to life she would hug and kiss her.  She said that she wished Emmy was in her bed in the next room and Anna too.  I feel the same way.  It would feel like we were all home and safe.  It's not at all the same to have one child tucked in their urn instead of their bed, even though we do know that she's safe, sound and comfortable.  

I'm sure some of Kara's crying and question asking was because she was trying to put off going to bed.  However, I will not ever shoo her questions and/or conversation, at any time, if they seem genuine.  I want her to be ok with all of this.  When she asks a question and then says that she likes doo doo, then I cut her off and bedtime starts immediately. :)

We went to the DSAA Zoo social thingy on Saturday.  I have to admit that it made me very sad to be without her.  The last time we were at the Zoo it was with Emmy at last year's DSAA spring social event.  I cried as I was looking at the Kangaroos while Anna was in the stroller and Jeff and Kara were in the petting zoo.  I have to admit that I didn't want people to see me.  I guess it was mainly because most people there don't know why I would be crying by the Kangaroo exhibit on a nice sunny day.

Here's a picture that Emmy's classmate's mom shared with me the other day.  I think it's so cute.